Rejection is a painful part of life. When any relationship comes to an end there is loss, but that loss is amplified when you are not the one who initiates the relational break. A family member stops communicating with you. A friend no longer wants to spend time with you. A client moves to a new vendor. Your company downsizes. Your doctor drops you as a patient. What happened?
Rejection is confusing. We are left to wonder, “What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? I thought they loved me.” The reality is that they love you until they don’t.
I read a study recently that said the average person loses 4-7 friends in a lifetime, but the average pastor loses 4-7 friends a year. I don’t really know how accurate that study is, but I do know the weight of rejection…lots and lots of rejection. You might think that after all this time I would get used to it, but thankfully I have not. It still stings every time. I do not want to become numb to the pain of rejection. I do not want to become desensitized to loss. It is important to feel grief and to mourn appropriately.
Here are five important ways to process relational loss:
Name it. Do not pretend like it does not matter or does not hurt. It does matter and it does hurt. Put a name to your pain. Refrain from rewriting history by thinking that the relationship was somehow insignificant because it did not last for as long as you would have liked. All relationships are important, even if they only last for a season.
Let it go. You do not control other people. They are free to change their minds. They can say whatever they want about you. They can have perspectives that are different from yours.
Learn from it. Never waste a pain. Pain can be a great teacher. Ask questions like: “Are there things about me that should change? How can I be a better friend? How do I want people to treat me?”
Remain relationally open. Refuse to shut yourself off from people. Keep trying. Keep investing. Keep loving. Relationships are risky, but they are totally worth it.
Remember that you are not alone. You may feel alone, but you are not alone. Rejection puts you in some pretty good company. Nobody has felt the pain of rejection more than Jesus.
Jesus is the perfect example of “they love you until they don’t.”
In John 6, a mass of 5,000 people flocked to Jesus. They hung on His every word, and He miraculously fed all of them with just a few loaves of bread and some fish. They loved Jesus so much that they wanted to go to war against the Roman government to make Him their king. The next day they followed Jesus to the other side of the lake and Jesus told them they had to “eat His flesh and drink His blood.” They began to grumble against Jesus and John 6:66 says, “From this time many of His disciples turned back and no longer followed Him.” (NIV)
They did not like what He had to say, and they did not understand what He was going to do. Jesus did not try to chase them down and change their minds. They rejected Him and He let them go.
Jesus knew the pain of rejection, but He went to the cross anyway. Many of the same people who shouted “Hosanna” at the triumphal entry also shouted “Crucify” when He was sentenced to death. Jesus died for people who reject Him.
“They love you until they don’t.” It is not a defeated phrase, but a reminder to enjoy relationships while you can, to know that rejection is always a possibility, and that loving people is always worth the risk.
